She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
