remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
