I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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