new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize