Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
