i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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