So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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