I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
