Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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