Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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