He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
