I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
