I wish they made helmets for livers.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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