Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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