If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
