I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
