Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
