I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
