dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Drunk is a universal language darling
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
