you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
