I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
