Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
