Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
