This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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