New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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