This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
