if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
