I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
