Already got asked if we're dating
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
