I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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