im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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