Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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