Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I cockslap morals
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
