Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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