Plan B is the new Plan A
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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