watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
