there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
