i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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