remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
