I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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