textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
