I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
