Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
