Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
