We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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