yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
