textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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