Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize