My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
