Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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