I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
