like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Randomize
