She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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