very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
