i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
