You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
