you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
