I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
