life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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