My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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