Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
