last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She announced her abortion via fbk
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
